Missing Pieces

Less than two years ago, I was your typical "Cafeteria Catholic".  I claimed to be a Catholic.  I was, after all, confirmed.  On a good year, I went to Mass two or three times a year.  Most years, I did not go at all.  I believed in things that reflected little or no morals.  I proudly boasted to be Pro-Choice.  I was very liberal in my ideals.  I never prayed and I had no relationship with God.  Looking back, I can truly say I had no life in me.


Today, I am Christian and I can say this with true sincerity.  I believe this with every beat of my heart.  New ideals have overshadowed my older, darker ones.  However, as much as I believe, I am still unable to participate in the sacraments.  My husband was married in the past so we could not have our marriage blessed.  When we married, I was not a practicing Catholic.  We talked about a Catholic wedding but after meeting with a priest, my husband was not willing to go through all the red tape to have his marriage annulled. He did not believe in this and I did not press the issue.


Over the past sixteen months, I feel like I have been working a jigsaw puzzle on my heart. Each piece is reflective of all the amazing people I have discovered on my journey. Most of these people are authors and speakers of whom I'll never meet.  Because of their "yes" to God, I have been spiritually awakened. Although I will never meet them, I consider these people my best friends.  Through their stories, they inspired me.  They made me aware of this beautiful inheritance that I have...that we all have.  The Holy Spirit was working through each of them to reach me.  As a result, I now understand what it means to have a personal relationship with God. I have discovered Novena's, Adoration and the healing power of prayer.  Mary and the Saints are a constant source of comfort to me.

With each passing day, I continue to receive many new blessings, new pieces. There must be thousands of pieces and sadly, I am growing ever aware of the ones I may never receive. It is almost as if they are lying right in front of me but I cannot pick them up.  I cannot make them fit.

I am heartbroken.  I cannot go to confession.  I cannot receive the body and blood of Christ.  I cannot have my marriage blessed.  If I die, I will not receive the Last Rites.  I go to Mass every Sunday and sometimes during the week. When it is time for Communion, this lump in my throat begins to form and I want to crawl inside of myself.  The whole point of being Catholic is the Grace that we receive from the sacraments...is there any Grace leftover for people like me?

What makes all of this even harder is that my husband and I do not share the same beliefs. Every talk about faith or the Church ends in an argument.  He is not a man who believes in organized religion. All of this hurts me and I am left feeling angry. The church that means everything to me means almost nothing to him.  Deep inside, I know anger is not the solution.  However, I also know that my heart and soul are under attack.  Maybe this is the cross that I am intended to bear.  I just wonder if and when those missing pieces will come together to fill this hole in my heart...

"In my hurry, in my rush, I feel Your presence flood over my heart.

Even if for a moment, I have tasted Your mystery.
And I know You are with me".

Santa Cruz Beach, California

This warm summer day has me reflecting on my childhood in California.  Memories from nineteen years ago, at times feel fresh in my mind.  At the age of fourteen, I had an exciting life ahead of me.  I remember a long weekend in Santa Cruz with some friends...in fact, it was Memorial Day weekend.  I was so excited to be away from home and there with my friends.  We spent the entire time on the beach, surrounded by so many different people. The rides, the music, the smell of sea and sand.  What really made an impression was sunset in Santa Cruz. I remember seeing so many interesting people, circled in small groups around their beach side campfires.  Most of them were in their early-mid twenties...and I thought they looked so cool with their dark tans, their guitars and their surf boards. I just knew that I would be like them one day!!

Well...nineteen years later and I still don't know how to play a guitar or surf. I'm six hundred miles from the closest beach and I no longer have a tan.  Life has a funny way of catching up with us.  Responsibilities kick in and bigger goals and ambitions take precedent.

It's bittersweet to look back for a moment...long enough to acknowledge the beautiful innocence of our childhood dreams.  Long enough to remember that it wasn't that long ago...

Pruning Our Vines

Those of you who have ever owned a Crepe Myrtle know this: You can prune them by sawing them down to nothing and they almost always grow back twice in size.

There is a lot of controversy among the "experts" as to the proper method of pruning these tree's.  In my experience, I could pour gasoline and light a match and they will grow back.  With each passing season, with each pruning, they always seem to get bigger.

Crepe Myrtles really have me thinking about the Gospels...especially the Gospel of John 15:1-8.  You hear Jesus tell His disciples that he is the "True Vine" and His Father is the "True Vine Grower".  Jesus warns that "every branch that does not bear fruit will be taken away".  He also says that "every branch that bears fruit will be pruned".

Either way you look at it, both are painful.  Obviously, being "cut off" would be the more severe of the two.  Really...who wants to be cut off?  On the flip side, being pruned sounds painful, too. In fact, if you are bearing more fruit, you are more likely in need of pruning. Can't the good "fruit bearer's" be left to bear fruit in peace?  What's up with all the pruning and pain?  Is there no incentive for being a "fruit bearer"?

The truth of the matter is this: Jesus never promised that those who followed Him would live a "life full of perks".  In fact, the Gospels teach the complete opposite.  As I flip through the channels and come across the "New Evangelists" of today, their messages contrasts with Gospels so significantly that its dumbfounding.  These preachers and their invocations...they would have no problem convincing the masses that green is actually purple!

Sadly, they are completely missing the point. How many times have we heard, "The more you give, the more you will receive"?  While this is true, it is true in a totally different context than what many portray. I can't tell you how many 2 a.m. channel surfing testimonies I've heard: People giving their last $10 to a church -low and behold- God blessed them with better jobs, more money and a penthouse suite. Yes, the more you give the more you will receive...but "receiving" has nothing to do with the $800,000 ocean front condo you can now afford!  Or how about the $80,000 Jaguar sitting in your driveway. This is NOT a result of being a "better fruit bearer".  The monetary luxuries you have in your life are incongruent with Jesus and the Gospels. For over 2,000 years, those "closest" to Him were NOT walking around claiming they "got rich" because they "believed".  Quite the contrary!! Let's talk about how many saints rejected their family inheritance to live a monastic life.  With all due respect, I can't imagine the Joyce Meyers' or the Joel Olstein's of the world being Beatified when they die. While many find them to be entertaining, spiritual and deeply religious, my opinion is exactly an that...an opinion.  They don't hold a candle to Mother Teresa or St. Francis of Assisi.

Pruning hurts. The more we grow in Christ and the more we grow in His love, the more we will feel those painful sheers.  Every time we feel those sharp pangs, we must remind ourselves that the best things in life are sometimes the things that bring us the most pain (as I'm sure you mom's out there can affirm).  With each pruning, God blesses us with the opportunity to grow back twice in size (just like those Crepe Myrtles).  And if we are "fruit bearers", I am certain we will feel those shears more often than we might hope.  While I pray God's pruning of me never involves gasoline and a match, I have to believe it's much better than the alternative.

Bad Times...Hard Times...

"Bad times, hard times - this is what people keep saying; but let us live well, and times shall be good. We are the times. Such as we are, such are the times."--St. Augustine

Reflections on Dr. Sri's "A Biblical Walk Through The Mass" (Part 1)

Recently, Dr. Edward Sri took me on an awe-inspiring biblical journey through the Mass and the upcoming changes that will soon be taking place.  His theological insight into what is actually happening when we celebrate this holy sacrifice left me with a deeper understanding and awareness.  It is a bitter-sweet realization to finally hear with my heart, the prayers of the Mass. Many of us are guilty of reciting the prayers and not taking into considering what we are actually saying. To understand what these prayers mean, where they come from and why they are being said...well, that's an entirely different experience altogether.  Through Sri's new book, "A Biblical Walk Through The Mass", we are given a four dimensional view of the Mass, it's sacred traditions and the changes to come.  Beginning with the Sign Of The Cross and working his way through the Readings, the Gospel, the Homily, the Eucharistic Prayers, the Dismissal and everything in between, Sri's enlightenment will help us better prepare our hearts for the holy sacrifice of the Mass.

As a cradle Catholic, I am guilty of putting little thought or effort into the prayers I take part in every week.  There are so many aspects of the Mass that I have never questioned or examined.  When my husband and I first began dating and I invited him to Mass, I remember laughing when he jokingly mocked the chants of the priest.  He is not Catholic and did not understand it's purpose...and of course I did not have answers.  Having been exposed to the Mass my entire life, I never considered how odd our prayers and gestures might be to our non-Catholic friends.  Again, my husband was caught off guard when it was time to shake hands and offer "peace" to those around us. Combine that with the constant Signing of The Cross, the kneeling and the sharing in the "cup of blood".  Ironically, he was ready for a cup of something by the time we were dismissed!  On the flip side of this, I remember how awkward it was for me when I attended a non-Catholic church service with one of my friends. There were people convulsing and speaking in tongues, leaving me in a state of bewilderment. I too, did not understand nor was I given an explanation.  Needless to say, I never returned.  When our friends and loved ones ask us why we pray or worship in a certain way, we should be prepared to give them an answer.  As Catholics, we should know, understand and believe in the holiness of the Mass.

As Sri so eloquently states, "...Jesus' passion, death and resurrection is made present to us in the Eucharistic liturgy so that we can be more deeply incorporated into Jesus' life and Mission".  Being well versed in the biblical roots of the Mass won't directly solve all the worlds problems, but it is definitely the foundation we should be striving to build our house on.

"And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church" Matthew 16:18

Tough Times

I have to say, the past few months could easily be categorized as "Tough Times".  For two months, I found myself asking, "Why me?  Why is life easy for so many people but here I am just spinning my wheels...and nothing".

Oh, I know I'm supposed to be fearless.  I'm supposed to have courage and say, "I believe in God...Bring it on". Believe me, I want to be fearless. But here is the reality: I also want an easy life.  I want my husband to be Catholic. I want a perfect, happy, Catholic family.  I want him to see the Church in the same light as me.  Furthermore, I do not want hardship or disagreements in my career. I want stability.  If I am working seven days a week, I want it to pay off.

For over a year, I've read stories of the Saints and the many trials and tribulations surrounding them.  They prayed for suffering.  This was baffling to me.  I understand trying to be brave when you are in the midst of suffering...but to actually PRAY for suffering...why would anyone pray for suffering? Aren't we supposed to pray for a life where we can stop to smell the roses?

The more I tried to tap into the mind frame of these spiritual people, the more I feared coming face-to-face with my own crosses.  These Saints were brave people but I was not ready to pray for suffering.

I keenly remember one morning last summer. I was just beginning to develop a habit of prayer and reflection.  I remember having this overwhelming fear that things would not always be calm.  I knew struggle was no longer an "if"... it was a "when". Going to Sam's Club to stock up on bottled water was not going to prepare me...I needed spiritual preparation. I needed to mature in my relationship with God.  I knew that if I didn't, everything would be at stake.  I did not want to lose this newly found faith.  I did not want to question Him in the midst of future struggles.  I had some work to do.

Eventually, just as I feared, I was dealt a hand that I left me feeling unsure.  It didn't make sense and I wasn't sure why or how it happened.  I went through all the motions of second guessing myself and wishing there was something I could do to reverse the outcome. However, it was not in God's plan to be reversed.

In the midst of the chaos, I did not lose my faith.  During my hardship, I managed to put all of my trust in Him.  In fact, I found myself saying more prayers and I even did a Novena.  All this extra prayer and devotion, but my sorrows did not dissolve immediately.

God knows what He is doing. If He had let me avoid this distress altogether, I may not have developed this profound belief in the power of prayer.  If He had answered my prayers immediately, He may have answered the wrong prayer.

Yes, God knows what He is doing.  The painful circumstance that I found myself in turned out to be a blessing.  If those circumstances had not happened (exactly how they happened) my situation might have been much worse. Two months ago, when I felt very alone, God was actually hard at work.  He was very much in my corner (and still is).  The job I thought I wanted, the people I thought I wanted to work for...well, it turns out that God had a much better plan in store for me.

The perfect, Catholic family I wished for is no longer at the top of my list.  It turns out that my "not-so-Catholic" husband just might be a Saint. Although he rarely comes to Mass and has little interest in God, he loves me.  For a month when I was feeling down, I came home to a clean home and a cooked meal.  When he had plenty of reasons to be angry with me, he never let it show.  He even reminded me that I should be putting all my energy into the Catholic faith I talked so highly of.  My non-Catholic, non-praying husband was encouraging me to pray and be positive...and he took care of everything while I prayed.  I still have hope that he'll convert.  In fact, with his intuitive understanding about the human spirit, he would be a welcomed blessing.  However, there is a time and place for everything and God knows what He's doing...

Maybe my recent "Tough Times" were just small contractions, as I am certain there are still "Tougher Times" ahead. Yes, God knows what He's doing...

I am no Saint nor do I have the faith of a Saint.  I am not a theologian and cannot make claims to always "get it".  The bible intimidates me and I sometimes forget to pray. I am a thirty-something woman who has gone through some minor sufferings in life.  Through my minor sufferings, I was given a glimmer of something bigger than me.  Through the very cross I tried my best to avoid, I experienced a deeper presence of God.  In my turmoil, I was brought to my knees and He was there to pick me up.  In my darkness, He was there holding me, comforting me.  God knows what He's doing...

And so when I read stories of the Saints and their prayers for suffering, I suspect they know what they're doing too...