Oh, I know I'm supposed to be fearless. I'm supposed to have courage and say, "I believe in God...Bring it on". Believe me, I want to be fearless. But here is the reality: I also want an easy life. I want my husband to be Catholic. I want a perfect, happy, Catholic family. I want him to see the Church in the same light as me. Furthermore, I do not want hardship or disagreements in my career. I want stability. If I am working seven days a week, I want it to pay off.
For over a year, I've read stories of the Saints and the many trials and tribulations surrounding them. They prayed for suffering. This was baffling to me. I understand trying to be brave when you are in the midst of suffering...but to actually PRAY for suffering...why would anyone pray for suffering? Aren't we supposed to pray for a life where we can stop to smell the roses?
The more I tried to tap into the mind frame of these spiritual people, the more I feared coming face-to-face with my own crosses. These Saints were brave people but I was not ready to pray for suffering.
I keenly remember one morning last summer. I was just beginning to develop a habit of prayer and reflection. I remember having this overwhelming fear that things would not always be calm. I knew struggle was no longer an "if"... it was a "when". Going to Sam's Club to stock up on bottled water was not going to prepare me...I needed spiritual preparation. I needed to mature in my relationship with God. I knew that if I didn't, everything would be at stake. I did not want to lose this newly found faith. I did not want to question Him in the midst of future struggles. I had some work to do.
Eventually, just as I feared, I was dealt a hand that I left me feeling unsure. It didn't make sense and I wasn't sure why or how it happened. I went through all the motions of second guessing myself and wishing there was something I could do to reverse the outcome. However, it was not in God's plan to be reversed.
In the midst of the chaos, I did not lose my faith. During my hardship, I managed to put all of my trust in Him. In fact, I found myself saying more prayers and I even did a Novena. All this extra prayer and devotion, but my sorrows did not dissolve immediately.
God knows what He is doing. If He had let me avoid this distress altogether, I may not have developed this profound belief in the power of prayer. If He had answered my prayers immediately, He may have answered the wrong prayer.
Yes, God knows what He is doing. The painful circumstance that I found myself in turned out to be a blessing. If those circumstances had not happened (exactly how they happened) my situation might have been much worse. Two months ago, when I felt very alone, God was actually hard at work. He was very much in my corner (and still is). The job I thought I wanted, the people I thought I wanted to work for...well, it turns out that God had a much better plan in store for me.
The perfect, Catholic family I wished for is no longer at the top of my list. It turns out that my "not-so-Catholic" husband just might be a Saint. Although he rarely comes to Mass and has little interest in God, he loves me. For a month when I was feeling down, I came home to a clean home and a cooked meal. When he had plenty of reasons to be angry with me, he never let it show. He even reminded me that I should be putting all my energy into the Catholic faith I talked so highly of. My non-Catholic, non-praying husband was encouraging me to pray and be positive...and he took care of everything while I prayed. I still have hope that he'll convert. In fact, with his intuitive understanding about the human spirit, he would be a welcomed blessing. However, there is a time and place for everything and God knows what He's doing...
Maybe my recent "Tough Times" were just small contractions, as I am certain there are still "Tougher Times" ahead. Yes, God knows what He's doing...
I am no Saint nor do I have the faith of a Saint. I am not a theologian and cannot make claims to always "get it". The bible intimidates me and I sometimes forget to pray. I am a thirty-something woman who has gone through some minor sufferings in life. Through my minor sufferings, I was given a glimmer of something bigger than me. Through the very cross I tried my best to avoid, I experienced a deeper presence of God. In my turmoil, I was brought to my knees and He was there to pick me up. In my darkness, He was there holding me, comforting me. God knows what He's doing...
And so when I read stories of the Saints and their prayers for suffering, I suspect they know what they're doing too...
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