Missing Pieces

Less than two years ago, I was your typical "Cafeteria Catholic".  I claimed to be a Catholic.  I was, after all, confirmed.  On a good year, I went to Mass two or three times a year.  Most years, I did not go at all.  I believed in things that reflected little or no morals.  I proudly boasted to be Pro-Choice.  I was very liberal in my ideals.  I never prayed and I had no relationship with God.  Looking back, I can truly say I had no life in me.


Today, I am Christian and I can say this with true sincerity.  I believe this with every beat of my heart.  New ideals have overshadowed my older, darker ones.  However, as much as I believe, I am still unable to participate in the sacraments.  My husband was married in the past so we could not have our marriage blessed.  When we married, I was not a practicing Catholic.  We talked about a Catholic wedding but after meeting with a priest, my husband was not willing to go through all the red tape to have his marriage annulled. He did not believe in this and I did not press the issue.


Over the past sixteen months, I feel like I have been working a jigsaw puzzle on my heart. Each piece is reflective of all the amazing people I have discovered on my journey. Most of these people are authors and speakers of whom I'll never meet.  Because of their "yes" to God, I have been spiritually awakened. Although I will never meet them, I consider these people my best friends.  Through their stories, they inspired me.  They made me aware of this beautiful inheritance that I have...that we all have.  The Holy Spirit was working through each of them to reach me.  As a result, I now understand what it means to have a personal relationship with God. I have discovered Novena's, Adoration and the healing power of prayer.  Mary and the Saints are a constant source of comfort to me.

With each passing day, I continue to receive many new blessings, new pieces. There must be thousands of pieces and sadly, I am growing ever aware of the ones I may never receive. It is almost as if they are lying right in front of me but I cannot pick them up.  I cannot make them fit.

I am heartbroken.  I cannot go to confession.  I cannot receive the body and blood of Christ.  I cannot have my marriage blessed.  If I die, I will not receive the Last Rites.  I go to Mass every Sunday and sometimes during the week. When it is time for Communion, this lump in my throat begins to form and I want to crawl inside of myself.  The whole point of being Catholic is the Grace that we receive from the sacraments...is there any Grace leftover for people like me?

What makes all of this even harder is that my husband and I do not share the same beliefs. Every talk about faith or the Church ends in an argument.  He is not a man who believes in organized religion. All of this hurts me and I am left feeling angry. The church that means everything to me means almost nothing to him.  Deep inside, I know anger is not the solution.  However, I also know that my heart and soul are under attack.  Maybe this is the cross that I am intended to bear.  I just wonder if and when those missing pieces will come together to fill this hole in my heart...